Air safety announcements

As the countdown begins in earnest, my mind turns to all the last minute things that we need to do before we get to sit down in our carefully selected seats on our carefully selected airline.

In some sort of perverse way, I am looking forward to hearing the cabin crew recite their safety message before take off.  I will know then that we are finally on our way…

I would like to welcome everyone aboard Emirates flight 246.  If you are heading to the UAE’s exciting city of Dubai, you are in the right place.  If not, you are in for an exceedingly dull and pointless 16 hours and for that we apologise in advance.

You are on board one of Emirate’s A340 where every seat affords you inflight entertainment with up to 1200 channels.  If you can’t find anything to watch, you are clearly hard to please and probably will encounter similar issues with the menu.

In the event of an emergency, you will find several broom closets throughout the cabin masquerading as amenities.  You can locate these nearby to the cheap seats on board.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.  Grab the mask, pull firmly, and then place over your face.  Whilst the bag attached to the mask does not inflate, we are pretty sure something comes out to assist with breathing, otherwise it is a useful device in the event of swine flu or flatulence.  If you are travelling with a small child, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If by some cruel joke you are travelling with more than one small child, ask yourself why?

The captain has turned the seatbelt sign on, indicating that he has some sort of idea about all those pretty buttons and lights up front. 

On behalf of the captain and crew, I would like to welcome you aboard once again and wish you a pleasant flight. And to all those travelling with small children...good luck!