Friday, May 11, 2012

Choose your five

Unless you have been living under a rock lately – or in a media vacuum, you would be aware of the latest move in the war on groceries.

An unprecedented mail-out of loyalty cards started a couple of weeks ago, to purportedly every household throughout Australia. I don’t believe in giving this mob any free publicity so I will refrain from mentioning any names, but I am sure you know to whom I refer.

Alongside this marketing mayhem is the opportunity to choose your own 5 products, in order to attract an additional discount, creatively referred to as My5. No doubt shareholders paid some overpriced marketing genius to come up with that catchy name.

OK…I admit it, I fell victim to the marketing and have signed up for the loyalty scheme.  Choosing My5 was a little more challenging though…there were just too many to choose from.

So here goes…here are my top 5...

Number 1: Trolleys that generally head in the vaguest of directions in which the handler wrestles it.

Number 2: Fruit and veg bags that easily open without the need for a forensic examination.

Number 3: Checkout staff that can readily discriminate between cold and non-cold product and equally as readily identify a cold bag from a non-cold bag.

Number 4: Close parent supervision of any short people using those ankle-destroying learner trolleys.

Number 5: No standing signs throughout the aisles preventing long-lost family and friend reunions.

Look, in fact I think I could go on here…I mean, why stop at 5...

Number 6: Staff training in basic vegetable identification – Tip: if it is not pre-packaged with barcode and appears to be leafy, green or bulbous it is more than likely an item your mother spent your formative years trying to get you to eat.

Number 7: Staff training in job satisfaction, effusion and variants in greetings. “Hi, how are you?” could in fact be modified so that you sound a little less programmed. 

Number 8: Staff training in product fragility determination – such as eggs or bread which I can guarantee will be worse off under the 1kg sugar and tins of tomatoes that you have just thrown in.

Number 9: Staff training in poisons identification and potential cross-contamination. Here’s an idea – don’t pack the cockroach baits with the baby food.

And lastly... 
Number 10: Trolley airbags – my car lays testament to all that is the run away trolley. Airbags are to be deployed immediately upon any detection of a hand release yet motion remains in play.

Ahh, grocery shopping! You gotta love it or hate it. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t endure a financial haemorrhage at the end of each outing, just for the sake of keeping your family in nutritional value for the week… is so over-rated!

Names have been changed to protect the innocent


  1. Ah yes, love them all. But I have to say I especially like number 10, as my car is similarly decorated with gouges etc caused by runaway trolleys. Which is why I now wish to add a number 11....
    11.Instant death sentence or at least a permanent maiming to anyone who is too damn lazy to put their trolley back in a trolley bay when they have finished with it. Honestly, I've had to stop myself from shouting "lazy slug" at many a tattooed supermarket patron!

  2. *giggle* my sentiments exactly. I'd like to add numbe 12.

    12. The freedom to ankle tap or drop-a-shoulder on wayward children who insist on using the supermarket as a giant 'tiggy' or 'hide and chase' playground.

    1. Can I like this somewhere???

  3. Go for it Valda! Like away, far and wide! xx