I have been having ‘moments’ lately. ‘Moments’ that make me stop and think, ‘Oh my God, what has happened to me?’
I suppose being, what the medical profession endearingly call, of ‘an advanced maternal age’, I had more time than some to become more set in my ways before being initiated into the world of parenting. So much so that these ‘moments’ often bring me to a screeching halt, asking of myself…is this what this mothering gig is all about and why didn't anyone warn me?
Just let me put these notions to you and see if you know what I mean...
- You feel it is necessary to animatedly discuss subjects such as haemorrhoids, nipple cracking, constipation and flatus with anyone who cares to listen and even those who don't.
- You think that discussing bowel movements is acceptable dinner party conversation.
- Romantic time with your partner is now subsumed by conversation around the price of nappies at Coles this week.
- All of a sudden you start to refer to yourself as ‘mummy’ and your partner as ‘daddy’ and your mother as ‘grandma’.
- You think any movie screening on free to air and out of prime time season is a new release.
- You keep a second fridge downstairs full of milk and frozen bread, just to have that conveniently located corner store feeling.
- You keep a tube of antibacterial waterless hand wash in your handbag for those escaped faeces moments.
- You have thought long enough about point 7 to do something about it.
- You can’t remember the last time you read a book that wasn’t illustrated.
- You spontaneously burst into song whilst rocking down the aisles of the shopping centre…’wiggerly woo, wiggerly woo, let’s all do the wiggerly woo’
- You know the names of all of the toys and presenters on Playschool.
- You think the maker of ‘In the Night Garden’ clearly had a drug problem.
- You seriously consider replacing the child’s birthday with annual celebrations of parenthood.
- Your iPhoto gallery is completely focused on one event…the child.
- You can’t relieve yourself without a short person helpfully proffering wipes.
- You have to pack three bags every time you venture out of the house; a food bag, a toy bag and a nappy bag; as if you were heading into the wilds of Borneo for 6 months.
But then…you know you have hit rock bottom when you hear yourself saying what you always said you would never say if you ever had kids…those golden moments when you become your own mother!
How many times do I have to tell you…
Do that again and you’ll know about it…
I’ve told you once…
Try that again, madam, and…
Precious moments that will live long in our memories…and no doubt will repeat themselves in the next generation.